


The Ghost of You

by darkroguephantom



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, M/M, Trigger Warning!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 07:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7426528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkroguephantom/pseuds/darkroguephantom





	The Ghost of You

 

When people looked at Jinwoo, they almost always took him at face value.

'Superstar,' they thought. Or maybe, "Is he a Japanese actor?"

The thing was that every inch of Jinwoo screamed perfect. No one saw that he was horrible at directions, was a big dork at heart and laughed at the stupidest jokes. All people did was look at those beautiful deer eyes and said this boy was perfect.

But Mino always thought that Jinwoo's true self was shown in his hands and not his face.

*********

_"Hyung, why are your hands so rough?" Mino's fingers brushed against Jinwoo's hands as the older boy passed him the keys to their dorm._

_"Ah? My hands? They've always been like that." Jinwoo's reply was dismissive. He avoided Mino's eyes as the door was opened and they walked into the dorm together._

_Mino wouldn't let the matter go. He took Jinwoo's hand in his own and examined them. The slim white fingers were riddled with shiny scars, so thin and pale they were almost invisible and there were calluses on his palms. Mino almost missed four tiny scars on the inside of Jinwoo's palm. He realised that the scars would have come from Jinwoo clenching his fists so hard that his nails had dug into his skin; leaving imprints so deep they drew blood._

_"C'mon hyung, you can tell me," Mino pressed on as he and Jinwoo entered their dorm. It was long past midnight and the both of them were returning to their dorm after practicing late together. Jinwoo had wanted to go through their dance routine again and Mino had volunteered to help him. Seung Hoon and Taehyun had gone home earlier; looking like they were on the verge on collapsing. Seung Yoon had wanted to work on their self-composition alone._

_Jinwoo sighed. Mino noted that the bags under his eyes were thicker than ever but Jinwoo still managed a tired smile._

_"I used to help my father," Jinwoo said finally, his voice no more than a hoarse whisper. "Fishing, you know. There were these trawl things that we'd use to catch squid. When you baited them, you had to be careful because they were spiky and sharp as hell. It took me a while to get it right … that's why the scars. But I got it in the end. Practice, you know." Jinwoo ended his story with a little shrug, like it was nothing._

_Mino's eyes softened and he squeezed his hyung's hand softly before letting go. Jinwoo's voice had been ladened with homesickness and a deep sadness. Mino felt his own heart ache with something like pity, understanding and sadness all jumbled together._

_It was absolutely silent in the dorm. Jinwoo met Mino's eyes and something seemed to pass between them. Mino heard Jinwoo take in a deep shuddering breath. Slowly, softly, words poured out of Jinwoo's mouth. The older boy seemed to speak hesitantly, with a pause between his words every now and then like he was giving Mino a chance to end the conversation, to turn away. But Mino stayed by his side, listening quietly as Jinwoo described his past. Sometimes Mino would draw in a breath, like he wanted to saw something but he held the words back._

_He saw that Jinwoo wasn't looking at him anymore. The older boy's gaze seemed to go right through Mino. He thought knew what Jinwoo was seeing; the rough, wave-beaten shores of Imjado island, the faces of his family … the crinkled eyes of his father._

_In that moment, Mino saw the real Jinwoo._

*********

They got the news in the practice room.

Mino had already begun to associate practice rooms with bad news after all the bullshit they've been though. All four of them had been waiting for Jinwoo before starting practice when their manager burst into the room. Mino took one look at his face and knew he wasn't going to like whatever's coming. He knew how bad news looked like. He recognized the wide eyes and the twisted lips. The question in their eyes and the struggle to keep a calm façade. He had seen that look far too many times.

"What, manager-nim? What is it? What happened?" Mino stood up, his voice rising with every syllable. Everyone in the room was looking at him. They didn't know what was coming. But Mino knew. He could feel it.  And he didn't want to hear it.

The manager couldn't seem to form the words. His mouth moved soundlessly. Like a goldfish, Mino thought randomly.

" **What**?" Mino growled, forgetting all formalities. Seung Yoon, Taehyun and Seung Hoon had joined Mino, watching their manager nervously.

"Jinwoo … J- Jinwoo …" The manager choked on his words. Mino resisted the urge to shake him. When he finally managed to say the words, they hit Mino hard, piercing his heart like bullets.

"Kim Jinwoo is dead."

Mino stood stock still. He didn’t hear right. He couldn’t have heard right. Of course, he didn’t hear right. His mind must be playing tricks on him.

"What?" Seung Hoon asked.

Their manager looked at each of their faces, pity in his eyes. They were tears trickling down his face and his nose was turning red. He seemed to realize that he was handling the situation badly and was slowly regaining his composure. He asked them to sit, a request they all ignored. The manager explained everything to them gently, like he was talking to children. Jinwoo had been rushing; he crossed the street just as the light turned orange. Some driver came careening around the corner. He never had a chance.

" _'Dead on scene'_ was the term the paramedics used," the manager told them.

Mino couldn't really hear the words. It was like there was a wall of water between the manager and him. The words were distorted, unclear. Mino could easily pretend that he didn't hear them. If he didn't hear them, they couldn't possibly be true, right? The manager kept talking; words that Mino couldn't, wouldn't hear; things that weren't true. That couldn’t possibly be true.

Dimly, Mino realised that Taehyun had completely lost it. Their maknae collapsed to the floor, tears streaming down his face. Mino felt some vague surprise; Taehyun hardly lost his composure, even in private. Surely he didn't believe their manager. He must realise that this was some kind of prank. Jinwoo was going to appear at any moment now, laughing that ridiculously cute laugh, calling them all fools.

"Who's the gullible one now?" he would say. Mino could almost hear him. Maybe his hair would be a little mussed from running all the way here. Maybe he got lost or something. Now Mino could almost see him too, his shining eyes and bright smile, brightening the room effortlessly, the way only Jinwoo could.

Mino stood there, waiting; his reflection staring back at him from four different angles; his own empty eyes looking at him blankly. Mino didn't know how long he stood there. He was aware of a lot of people coming and going but they didn't seem real somehow, like grey phantoms that disappeared the moment you looked at them.

They were just waiting for Jinwoo-hyung. Jinwoo-hyung will come soon and they will start to practice. They have a comeback next month. Seung Yoon says everything has to be perfect.

"Mino-hyung."

Jinwoo will be back anytime now.

"Mino."

Anytime.

_"Song Minho!"_

Mino looked up, startled by the sound of Seung Yoon's loud voice so close to his ear.

"What? What is it? Is Jinwoo-hyung back?" Mino was surprised by how hoarse he sounded, like he hadn't spoken in years. This was bad. He was supposed to be taking care of his voice.

"You've been standing there for hours." Seung Yoon's voice was completely devoid of emotion. Mino looked at his face and saw that his eyes were just as empty. "It's time to go now."

"But … Jinwoo-hyung? He'll be here any moment. We need to practice. We have to –"

"Jinwoo isn't coming back." Seung Yoon cut him off in that same dead voice. "Stop denying it, Mino."

"What do you mean he is not coming back, Seung Yoon?" Mino struggled to get the words out. Something bad had happened, Mino knew. The very air seemed to be heavy with the weight of whatever had happened. Mino felt it at the back of his mind, writhing like an injured animal, demanding his attention. He could almost remember what it was. Almost.

"Mino, look at me." Automatically, Mino did as he was told. Seung Yoon's eyes looked like they were covered with ice. Cold and dead. "Jinwoo is dead. A car hit him. He's not coming back."

Just like that Mino remembered.

_The light had just turned orange_

_He didn't check the corners_

_The car came out of nowhere_

_He didn't have a chance_

_Dead on scene_

"No!" Mino pushed Seung Yoon away. Seung Yoon stepped back without even flinching. He just looked at Mino with those horribly flat eyes. "No," Mino repeated. "He said he was coming. He said he would be here!" Mino didn't know why he was shouting. His voice ricocheted off the walls, sounding ten times louder in the small room but Mino couldn't hear anything over the echoes of Seung Yoon's voice in his head.

_Kim Jinwo is dead._

_Dead._

_Gone._

**_He's not coming back._ **

He felt a strong arm wrap around his shoulder. Seung Hoon pressed his face to Mino's shoulder. He was the only one crying. Taehyun wasn't here anymore, Mino realised as Seung Hoon's tears dripped through his short, onto his skin. The room was utterly empty except for the three of them.

"Mino-san, he isn't coming back. He can't. He's gone." Seung Hoon was hugging Mino now, holding him tight.

 _No_ , Mino thought.

He can't be gone.

He can't.

*********

The dark soothed Mino these days.

He used to hate it. The fact that he couldn't see anything; that somehow space could fool him in the absence of light. He always made sure to leave his night light on when the sun went down.

Not anymore.

Now, light only reminded Mino of what could have been. What should have been.

If the light were on, he would be able to see his calendar, on which Jinwoo had circled the date of their comeback in bright red marker. Strewn on the table would be able to see some of the fan gifts Jinwoo received that he had taken a liking too and borrowed. Pictures hung up on the wall: Polaroids of Winner after their first award, their first win, at tourists spots in Japan … in Imjado Island.

Mino turned over this bed, forcing his mind to go blank. No, he told himself. It was dark now, you can't see anything. You shouldn't be able to see anything.

But the images were burnt into his mind. He saw them when he closed his eyes and in his dreams

_How do you erase something from your mind?_

Mino pushed himself off his bed and paced his room. His toe hit something in the darkness and throbbed with pain. That was good. Physical pain was good. It distracted him from the ache in his heart and the agony in his mind.

Suddenly, the door to his room was thrown open and light flooded in, illuminating the remnants if Jinwoo that surrounded Mino. He flinched and covered his eyes, dark spots dancing across his vision. He could see Jinwoo, smiling out of the pictures on the wall. Even when he shut his eyes he could still feel the shadow of Jinwoo pressing down on him from every corner, suffocating him.

"Song Mino."

That voice. Mino was starting to hate that voice. Despising how cold and heartless it sounded.

"What is it? What do you want?" He turned his back to the figure in the door, throwing harsh words over his shoulder.

"Mino, you haven't eaten in days. Heck, you haven't gone out of this room in days. Hiding won't change what happened." Seung Yoon's words dropped from his mouth like boulders, piling up on Mino's chest.

Mino bowed his head, clenching his fists. Breath. He told himself. Just breathe.

"I'm not hiding," he forced the words out.

"Well, you can't just sit here in the dark like a coward," the hated voice continued.

Breathe.

"You think he would have wanted this?" Words piercing his heart like bullets, forcing themselves down his throat, suffocating him. "You running away from everything?  Refusing to face the world? You think Jin-"

 ** _"Shut up!"_** Mino yelled. "What the fuck do you want? Can't you just leave me alone?"

"No, I can't." Seung Yoon didn't raise his voice. He just went on talking robotically. "You have to eat. You're going to fall sick. Starving yourself won't help us any." Seung Yoon turned on the light which just pissed Mino off further.

"What the fuck do you care? You don't give a damn, do you? Look at you, you don't care. You barely stopped to remember him. But then again, what am I saying?" Mino let out a humorless laugh. "Of course, you wouldn't. You don't think about anyone but yourself, do you, Kang Seung Yoon? You're Kang Seung Yoon the superstar, the perfectionist," Mino laughed, looking Seung Yoon square in his face. Seung Yoon's eyes lost their dead pan look and Mino saw a little flicker of anger in them.

"Don't you act like this isn't affecting me. _Don't. You. Even. Dare._ " Seung Yoon spoke slowly, his voice low and deadly. Mino ignored the warning. He knew his words were hurting Seung Yoon. He _wanted_ to hurt Seung Yoon. He wanted the younger boy to feel his pain. He wanted to see him suffer too. Maybe then this agonizing ache in him will stop and the ringing in his ears will fade away. "I bet you already made plans for our comeback. Did you change our name too? Erased his voice from the tracks?"

Seung Yoon's fist came out of nowhere, hitting Mino hard on the side of his face and Mino laughed, savoring the pain. Mino enjoyed how Seung Yoon’s looked like shattered glass, once so invincible, now just broken. He reached up to touch his cheek. A bump was rising there. It throbbed angrily when Mino touched it and pain shot through his head. It felt good, so good, to feel something from the outside. For once the agony within him dulled. Mino wanted more.

Just as he moved forward to grab Seung Yoon's shirt, he felt someone pull him back.

"Mino-san, stop." Seung Hoon's voice was calm. Mino never saw him enter the room. He just appeared. "Don't fight. You'll just hurt each other. Stop."

"It's your fault!" Mino yelled at Seung Yoon who was being restrained by Taehyun. The maknae barely managed to keep his grip on Seung Yoon. Seung Yoon jerked like Mino had dealt him a physical blow. "You always pressured him. If you weren't nagging him for something or other, he wouldn't have –”

" **SHUT UP**!" Seung Yoon roared, struggling against Taehyun. Seung Hoon pushed Mino onto his bed and held him down while Taehyun dragged Seung Yoon out.

No, Mino wanted to yell. Hurt me. Get in here and hurt me.

"Stop, Mino-san. Stop it." Mino looked into Seung Hoon's eyes which used to be filled with so much spirit. But that spirit was gone now. The sound of Taehyun's sobs penetrated the air again as he looked into Seung Hoon's sad eyes.

"He wouldn't have wanted this, Mino. Stop." Mino relented, collapsing onto his bed. No, Jinwoo wouldn’t have wanted this.

Jinwoo always wanted them to be happy. He never wanted anything else.

_So why did he leave?_

*********

_"Look," Jinwoo showed Mino another of the dozens of fan letters they had received._

**_Jinwoo-oppa, be happy now. Your dreams have come true now. Smile again, oppa! Hwaiting!!!_ **

_"Aren't they adorable?" Jinwoo said happily, opening another envelope. Mino smiled in agreement._

_"Ah hyung, our fans are just like hyung. Kawaii!!!" Mino leapt up and made some random aegyo poses. Jinwoo cracked up then joined Mino, both posing for an imaginary camera. After a while they stopped, tears of laughter streaming down their faces._

_Mino looked into Jinwoo's laughing eyes and felt his heart soar. It had always amazed him that Jinwoo never called him dumb or stupid. That somehow his hyung always found him funny. It was such a small thing that Jinwoo gave Mino. Just his laugh. But Mino always felt on top of the world when he heard it. Like he could do anything. Be anyone._

_In fact, sometime Mino thought that without Jinwoo, he would be nothing._

*********

Mino knew he had attended Jinwoo's funeral. He was quite sure he did. He had some vague recollections of climbing into a bus, avoiding Seung Yoon's eyes and sitting next to Seung Hoon quietly for the entire journey. Even on the ferry to Imjado Island Mino had huddled into one corner, turning his back to sea.

There were simply too many memories, ghosts of Jinwoo flitting in and out of the corner of his eyes. He tried to spare himself some pain by avoiding them.

Once, Mino would have chatted the entire journey away; cracking jokes, singing, annoying his team mates and their manager. And Mino would be able to hear Jinwoo's laugh the whole way.

That laugh was gone now.

And Mino wasn't funny anymore.

He was in the deepest, darkest hole of his world, surrounded by walls of his own misery.

The burial had been a haze of colors bleeding into each other and indistinct words. He remembered Seung Yoon walk as far away from him as possible and watching Jinwoo's father fall to his knees beside a dark, smooth wooden box. He didn't go anywhere near that box. He didn't let himself think about it.

All he could really remember was how beautiful it had been that day. The sky had been the brightest blue possible and the smell of the sea was strong in the air, bringing to mind hot sands and rolling waves. It was almost like the world was rejoicing, unleashing all its beauty into the earth and air.

Mino remembered thinking how wrong all of it was. The world shouldn't be beautiful. It should be black, black, black like his own heart.

Because Jinwoo wasn't here.

And nothing was beautiful anymore.

*********

"Mino hyung," The voice that greeted Mino was soft and hesitant. Mino looked up to see Taehyun’s pale face looking down at him.

He had been writing at his table. He wasn't sure of what were the words saying but he knew that they made him feel a little better. It was like he was taking a knife to his veins with every word he wrote but instead of a knife he held a pen and instead of blood, black ink flowed.

It was too much to keep in, bottled in his head, trapped in his veins. It was like his very blood was hurting him as it rushed through his body. Dark thoughts that lurked in the recesses of his mind. He knew it would be easy to stop this never ending pain. He had seen people do it before. A razor blade. Some pills. Simple house hold items that were the deadliest poison.

It would be so easy to let go.

If it weren’t for the cold voice in his head, Mino would have let go a long time ago.

_You think he would have wanted this?_

_You running away from everything?  Refusing to face the world?_

Mino didn’t know if he hated that voice or loved it. It was the only thing that made him hold on. Sometimes it was no more than a whisper, sometimes a roar. But Mino listened and he didn’t let go.

So he wrote instead.

Sometimes he imagined that the bleeding ink was his pain, leeching out of his fingers. It was his temporary release. His escape.

Taehyun’s voice brought him back to the present.

"Mino hyung, you should go out. Have you even seen the sun lately? You look like hell." Taehyun put a hand on Mino's shoulders, eyes pleading.

Mino nodded and mumbled some promises about going out soon. Taehyun just sighed, shaking his head as he left. He knew as well as Mino that the older boy wasn’t going to go anywhere.

Taehyun and Seung Hoon came to see him often. Their voices brought him news of the world outside, reminding him that out there the Earth was still spinning. Mino found it surprising sometimes. He was stuck in here in the hell hole he made for himself where every day was just hours of darkness to suffer though. But Taehyun and Seung Hoon were out there doing what he couldn’t bring himself to do. They were gritting their teeth and fighting their way through it.

Both of them had made their solo debuts. Seung Hoon was a big hit in Japan. Taehyun had a bunch of concerts coming soon. They had lives. They were moving on.

Neither of them ever mentioned Seung Yoon. And Mino didn't ask.

Without these two, Mino thought that he might have just died there in his hellhole. Food appeared outside his door three times a day. Mino assumed those two did that too.

He could see a light in their eyes and their smiles. They had accepted it and moved on. Mino understood that he couldn't mourn Jinwoo forever. He wanted to move on too. He hated how he weak he must seem to them, incapable of even stepping out of the shadows of his own room. He wanted to be free too. But how? _How?_

Mino went out that night.

He could feel the dark shadows of his room at his back. Ignoring it, he forced himself to leave, through the living room and out of the door. Mino was surprised, it was almost easy. He made himself walk faster; enjoying the liberation moving gave him.

He drew his hood low over his eyes and wandered the streets of Hongdae. The place was bright with lights as usual, with music blasting from every corner. Mino breathed in the air, which was heavy with the scent of food. He stomach grumbled. He felt like he hadn't properly tasted food in decades. Something inside him loosened and Mino felt light suddenly, like someone just took a heavy burden off him.

His eyes roamed everywhere, greedily drinking in the sights. He noticed a boy walk past him. Random details jumped out at him, how the boy was shorter than Mino but taller than average, light pink spot on his cheeks, grey hoodie drawn over his face, a black snapback in his hands that long white fingers were fiddling with. Mino thought he heard the boy laugh and the sound sent chills down Mino's back because of how familiar it was.

"It couldn't be," Mino thought. No, no, no. _It can't be._

He felt his body lurch forward and just like that Mino was running. He reached the boy in mere seconds and grabbed his arm, turning the boy around.

"Hyung! You're here! I knew would come back. I knew you weren't gone. I told them! I told the-”

"What's your problem? Asshole." The face under the hoodie was not Jinwoo's. The voice that snapped at him wasn't either. The stranger pushed Mino away carelessly.

Mino stood in the middle of the street, breathing hard. It had started to rain and the vendors were quickly cleaning up their goods. The boy wasn't Jinwoo, Mino told himself. He didn't look like Jinwoo. But what had Jinwoo hyung looked like? Mino felt panic rise in his chest, gripping his heart like a vise. Waves of pain battered him and Mino felt like a drowning man, struggling to keep his head above water.

 _He couldn't remember._  
He **couldn't** remember.  
He couldn't **remember**.

For the first time in god knows how long Mino let himself cry, his tears mingling with rain drops on his face, dripping onto his already soaked clothes. He fell to his knees, sobbing. His head hurt, his heart hurt, everything hurt. People said that a broken heart was just a metaphor. They didn't know this feeling, Mino thought. The sensation that your heart had someone been cleaved into two and pain was radiating out from somewhere deep in your chest. All Mino wanted to do then was rip his heart out to make it stop.

No, they didn't know the feeling.

It was cold in the rain. Mino wished the cold would seep through his skin and pierce his soul. Freeze it for all he cared. Anything to numb this pain, He pressed his fists to his chest, sobbing. Make it stop, he pleaded. To whom he didn't know. He just wanted it to stop.

Then, the cold vanished and warmth surrounded him. Familiar hands helped him up and strong arms guided him back home.

"Sorry, Jinwoo-hyung. I am so sorry." Mino sobbed over and over again. "I am so sorry." Mino wanted to get the hurt out. He didn't want this. He never asked for it.

"Help me, I'm so sorry."

* * *

 

Seung Hoon led Mino into the YG building. Mino gripped the sheets of paper in his hands and looked around nervously.

"I'm glad you decided to make music again. It'll help you, I know it will." Seung Hoon went on, updating Mino on everything cheerily. Taehyun walked behind Mino, watching him silently. Mino was glad they were with him. Their presence shielded him from the stares of others at the company.

They led him into a studio and explained that YG-Sajangnim had allowed him, and only him to use it.

"Work hard. And try to enjoy yourself, okay?" Seung Hoon clapped him on the back. Taehyun was next to him, his silent presence just as comforting as Seung Hoon's encouragement. Mino nodded as they both left him alone. He looked down at one of the sheets of paper he was holding, reading the words for the first time since he wrote them.

_First, you think the worst is a broken heart,_  
What's going to kill you is the second part,  
And the third is when your world splits down the middle,  
And fourth you think you're going to kill yourself,  
Fifth you see them as someone else,  
And the sixth is when you admit you fucked up a little.

Taking a deep breath, Mino sat down and began to work.

*******

_"Mino of YG Entertainment is releasing his solo single next week! After a long hiatus, he is finally going to make his debut on SBS Inkigayo next week. Don't miss it!"_ The forced cheeriness of the radio announcer forced its way into Mino's head.

"Hear that?" Taehyun nudged him. "Everyone is anticipating you."

Mino nodded and try to smile but he could only manage a weak grimace. He was nervous as hell. After working his ass off for weeks, he had finally shown his songs to YG-sajangnim. The CEO had been impressed. More than impressed actually. But Mino was still unsure. It had been so long since he was on a stage; he couldn't remember how it had felt like.

Taehyun and Mino got out of the car and headed into the YG-building. Mino froze when he saw a familiar face walking out of the place that had been his sanctuary the past few weeks.

Seung Yoon looked up, his eyes meeting Mino's. A shadow flitted across the younger boy’s face.

Mino's first thought was that Seung Yoon looked older, like a man who had gone through the worst hell imaginable and was still recovering from it.

]The second was: holy crap, he's thin. Seung Yoon was even skinnier than before if that was even possible. His cheeks looked hollow and his eyes still held pain.

He nodded to Mino and walked away without a word. Mino was too surprised to reciprocate.

Taehyun watched them with worried eyes. He looked like he wanted to say something but was biting his tongue. Mino sighed. His heart maybe healing, but some things he feared, were broken beyond repair.

Seung Hoon was waiting for them inside. They were going to have a celebratory dinner in the YG Cafeteria. Mino knew that they would never be as happy or as carefree as they were before, but they found comfort in each other and they were moving on.

It was what Jinwoo-hyung would have wanted, Mino knew.

"Hey," Taehyun and Seung Hoon stopped talking and looked at him. Mino went on, stumbling over his words slightly. Taking a deep breathe, Mino forced himself to continue.

"I – I just wanted to thank you guys, for all you've done for me, for coming to see me. Bringing me food and helping me that night in Hongdae." Mino stopped and looked at their faces.

"Well, you're welcome but we never brought you food." Seung Hoon's voice was colored with surprise.

“What night in Hongdae?” Taehyun sounded confused.

“That – that wasn’t you?” Mino looked from one boy to the other.

“No, man.” Seung Hoon answered. “I’m in Japan every other week and Taehyun spends days on end in the studio.”

Mino turned to Taehyun wildly.

“We had no idea you even went out.” The younger boy told him quietly.

“But then who?” Mino asked desperately.

Who had been there all those months he had been shut up in his room? Who was there when Mino thought he couldn’t hold on for another day? Who? The answer seemed obvious but so unlikely.

He couldn’t have.

He hates me, Mino thought. I know he hates me.

How could he not? After all that I said?

“You know who,” Taehyun’s voice was no more than a whisper. Mino sat there in shock as Seung Hoon and Taehyun finally told him everything. Together, they revealed that Seung Yoon had fought against YG-sajangnim for Mino when their boss wanted to send him for ‘professional help’ or to kick him out when Mino didn’t get better. Seung Yoon paid for all of Mino’s expenses himself, debuting earlier than any of them and working his fingers to the bone.

Mino listened as Taehyun described the times when Seung Yoon had nearly collapsed of exhaustion while promoting. "He got right back up," Taehyun said, and Mino could hear some awe in his voice. "He said he couldn't afford to rest. Nothing we said seemed to get through to him. He just … worked."

"He insisted of taking care of you himself." Seung Hoon shook his head dejectedly. "We tried to get him to split the cost but he wouldn't listen. He was that goddamn stubborn."

Mino just sat slumped in his seat, taking everything in. Regret and guilt chased each other around in his mind.

"He was there the whole time?" Mino asked, his voice hollow. Seung Hoon nodded.

"Losing Jinwoo … "Taehyun hesitated, letting the words hang in the air before continuing, his watchful eyes on Mino.  "It – I don't know  ... It's like Seung Yoon was lost too, you know? He just stopped feeling. Then, the argument between you two … "  Taehyun sighed, shaking his head. Mino avoided their eyes. "That just broke him. He's getting better now. I wished he took a longer break. It might have helped him if he went back to Busan with Seung Hoon-hyung. But he refused. Point blank. We tried forcing him but … well, it got ugly." Their maknae's eyes were shimmering with unshed tears now.

Mino felt giddy. He got out of seat slowly.

"I – I need to find him." Relief colored Seung Hoon's face and Taehyun smiled.

"You know where to find him," Seung Hoon said quietly.

Mino ran. Pass the way he and his team mates used to walk back to the dorm after practice. He burst into the dorm they had been sharing since they debuted. The doors Taehyun's and Seung Hoon's rooms were ajar, and their rooms had an empty feel, like its occupants were rarely there.

Mino stopped in front of the room Jinwoo and Seung Yoon used to share. How many times had he stood in front of this same door for a billion different reasons? Memory and reality fought within him for a moment and Mino felt his throat constrict with pain. Resurfacing, he pushed the door open.

Seung Yoon was leaning against a wall, staring blankly at the empty bed beside his own. Jinwoo's stuff was gone but Mino noticed a large box at the end of the bed. A box that looked like it was opened fairly often, judging from its worn sides.

Seung Yoon looked up when Mino came in, clutching a stich in his side, trying to catch his breath.

"I'm sorry," Mino managed to gasp. Seung Yoon's mouth opened in surprise, or maybe shock; Mino wasn't sure. "I'm so, so sorry."

Mino realised that he was crying and Seung Yoon was too. He didn't know who moved first, just that suddenly Seung Yoon was in his arms and Mino was hugging him hard. Seung Hoon and Taehyun joined the embrace after a while.

Finally, in a long time, Mino felt whole.

 


End file.
